i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
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I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.