Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
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Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
oh u like history? name everything that happened
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
23. the denim jacket
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..