[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
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Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Liquor Store Parking
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
me adding lol on a serious message
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.