Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
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E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
me after drinking all the wine:
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while