me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
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Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.