*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
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Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
A ghost story
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I have questions??
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.