This kinda thing happens to me often
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When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”