Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
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I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Yup.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?