If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
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My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Happy Febuary everyone!
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.