water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
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[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…