First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
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I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Encore…
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Spring cleaning checklist…
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom