Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
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“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Smile they said.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.