“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
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Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
sigh
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
when you order from DoorDastardly
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!