Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
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Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
They did not think through this water fountain
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Social distancing in Australia:
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie