Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
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One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you