Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
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*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
based al yankovic
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
choose your gary