I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!