*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
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You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
The pen is writier than the sword.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser