Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
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Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta