Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
You Might Also Like
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’