Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I’m giving up for Lent.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping