Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
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My purse is deeper than some people.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
There are no pants in heaven.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.