criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
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Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Generation gap…
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I’m too immature for adultery.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.