speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
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I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can