A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
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GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My favorite farside!!
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying