Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
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M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
we’re dead?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.