Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
You Might Also Like
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o