My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
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KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
File under excellent bookstore names.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is