good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
You Might Also Like
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
TODAY
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.