We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
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[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: