I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
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Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Yeah. This was me today.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired