Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
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There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
welp
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.