Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
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Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.