Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
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[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I