If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
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I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.