13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
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Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
When someone trying to leave me
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.