You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
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Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid