No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
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Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.