Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
You Might Also Like
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I hope it’s French Onion!
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Mornin
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too