her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds