wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
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I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Oh boy, $150,000!
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.