I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
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Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car