Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
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Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
The biggest mystery of our time
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Challenge accepted.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?