[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
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One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
A fake ID that makes you younger
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I’m literally crying
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.