Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
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Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me