Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
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My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?