I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
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Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.