My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
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No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Cartman: Respect my
a a
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.