when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
You Might Also Like
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!