Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
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A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit